But this post isn't about John, per say. It really isn't even about me. No. This post came to me this morning, as I was sitting on my couch, talking with a good friend. She is a doula.....she was my doula for Jakob's birth. AND....she is Jakob's godmother. She has three children herself and two of them have been home births. She, very generously, brought us breakfast this morning and then spent some time talking with me and holding the baby. And towards the end of her visit, she simply asked if there was any laundry that needed doing or dusting that she could help with. Were there dishes that needed to be washed or rooms that needed straightening? Did I need anything from the grocery store? Did I have any projects that needed attending to that she could help with?
And what did I say?!!!! I uncomfortably laughed her off and said that we were fine....I was fine....and thanked her profusely for even offering to help but that things were under control. I mean.....I'm 2 weeks postpartum. Right? And I have a husband who has two capable hands.....right?! And she is a friend and I couldn't possibly dream of imposing my responsibilities....our responsibilities....upon her. Right?!!!!
WRONG!!!!!!! And this is why I'm writing this post. I started thinking of this scenario and wondering why I felt so embarrassed at her offer to help me. Why did I feel so awkward? WHY did I brush her off and refuse her assistance?! I know that she is not the person (nor are any of my friends or family) who would offer purely out of a sense of obligation. If they offer to help....it is because they want to help. And yet, I was embarrassed. WHY?!
And here is what I came up with: to rebound quickly from childbirth is what is expected of us....at least in this culture. My friend, in her doula studies, found that our country is one of the few countries in the developed world where women are expected to just instantly rebound from childbirth. And this is NOT a political commentary on maternity/paternity leave. But in general.....women feel guilty if they ask for or accept offered help. Women feel guilty if they don't immediately bounce back and resume their normal duties after childbirth....especially a complication free childbirth. My church is wonderful in the fact that after a baby is born, a meal calendar is sent out and people sign up to bring you dinners. I readily accept that help!!! But I'm embarrassed when my friend offers to help with laundry or washing dishes. Truth be told, I'm uncomfortable when my mom insists upon helping. I accept her help because she's my mom and I'm SO thankful for it but still....there's a part of me that is chastising me for even needing help.
Thankfully, postpartum issues aren't as taboo as they were even a decade ago. Thankfully, women are speaking up about depression and anxiety issues....about feeling overwhelmed....openly discussing breastfeeding problems....recognizing the dangers of sleep deprivation (it is a form of torture, you know), etc. But still.....we....or maybe it is just me, struggle to accept help where it concerns our responsibilities at home.
My friend left, promising to bring us a dinner at some point, and I looked at my house and took stock of the situation. My sheets need washing. My towels need to be changed out. Laundry day is looming. We have wood floors through the whole house so the dust bunnies under chairs and other furniture are very noticeable. Furniture needs dusting. The area rug desperately needs to be vacuumed. Bathrooms need cleaning.
Dave makes breakfast for us every morning....nothing new there. He has been showering attention upon the older boys and has taken over bathing and bedtime. He is reveling in his ability to cuddle and bond with his youngest son. He is the one making the grocery store runs and mowing the lawns. He is doing this all while still going into church to work (no paternity time off there) and pouring over choral scores as he selects music for two choirs for the upcoming year. But.....the house needs attention....the boys need attention from their mom too....the baby needs feeding and changing and cuddling....and I'm still very much in recovery from childbirth.
We are so blessed that my parents and our friends have been so willing to be of assistance and have come to help us. This is what family and friends do for one another. I know this. So.....why am I so embarrassed to accept help when it has been so generously offered?!
As much as I would like to think I'm super woman, I'm not. As much as I wish I could wrinkle my nose like in Bewitched and have rooms be spotlessly clean, I cannot. I cannot fold laundry with a snap of my fingers, a la Mary Poppins. All of these things are impossible for me to do. To say "yes" to help should be an easy thing.....and yet, I find it virtually impossible. I'm not super woman....and with that in mind....while I may still awkwardly laugh off help for fear of being a bother or a burden, I am going to revel in this too short of time where John is so small. Maybe I'll name the dust bunnies under the chairs. Maybe the sheets will go a week longer than they should before being changed. What I have learned in my reflections today is that I am going to give myself permission to not feel guilty about those things anymore. So, the house isn't perfect. I'm 2 weeks postpartum and have three faces needing kisses and caresses.....I have bigger fish to fry right now. I'm going counter-culture on this and I'm going to say "no" to instantly rebounding.....because babies don't keep.
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